Shay, a new visitor to my blog, just left me a comment and in it she asked me if that was me in the header with the wings.
Well…yes. That’s your’s truly up there in pigtails and pink wings. It seems that when I’m not wearing wings I’m wearing kitty ears. Now I ask you, is that anyway for a grown lady like myself to act?
::cheeky grin::
Oh, and just a post-script to my title…Subs can fly…it’s called subspace.
::insert second cheeky grin here::
…or at least a good mask to hide behind?
Mastervoid at The House Of Void posted a humorous, but not uncommon, story about a domme who felt compelled to write him and blast him about his preferences for height/weight proportionate subs/slaves. A domme he’d never met, of course.
As an overweight person myself I know I sometimes get annoyed when I see a profile that demands a HWP sub. But, that’s just the human part of me that hates to imagine rejection. The reality, even if sometimes it’s a hard pill to swallow, is that everyone has a right to want what they want.
Even if what they want isn’t me.
Now, in her case, she was not a sub seeing him as a possible playmate, so one really has to wonder what drove her to be so angry about this person she was unlikely to meet. They didn’t share a local community. Why should she care that some stranger might reject women she’d never meet?
This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed this trend among dommes, this need to challenge and attack male doms. I’ve stayed out of chat rooms largely because they seem to be gathering places for dominant-identified women who have a fetish for lying in wait to verbally ambush any dominant-identified males who wander in to say hello.
All in the name, of course, of protecting helpless, naïve submissives who might get “hurt” if these uninvited champions weren’t there to fend off these “wannabees” and “predators”.
In the end it scares off the nice men as well as the not-so-nice ones, and the chat rooms and forums become a far less appealing place because of it, in my opinion. Personally I like chatting with all kinds of people in the lifestyle.
I just don’t understand where this animosity comes from. I really don’t.
I wish someone would explain it to me.
I was not spanked as a child, nor do I condone corporeal punishment in any form, except between consenting adults. However, even I think it’s ridiculous to cite that childhood spanking can cause BDSM tendencies.
Fortunately, it seems that USA Today is trying to take a moderate approach here and caution people from making the huge leap into blaming childhood spankings for what it refers to as “sexual problems“.
I admit to having mixed emotions about this article. Personally anything that dissuades people from spanking children strikes me as a good thing. On the other hand, I don’t appreciate anything that continues to view those of us with masochistic/sadistic tendencies as suffering from a pathology.
At any rate, read it for yourself and see what you think.
There was talk on fetlife today, about the wisdom of searching the vanilla sites for a kinky partner. A big pond = more fish approach.
I agree that searching in bigger waters is not in itself a bad idea, in theory. As for my own personal experience, after a long period of trial and error I gave up on meeting partners this way. There were just too many disappointments in it for me.
The first step for me was about getting to know them in vanilla terms. Could they chat about a lot of subjects intelligently? Did conversation flow easily? Did they make me laugh; did I make them laugh? Could they talk about their personal life comfortably, with good healthy boundaries, and share about their past experiences without bitterness?
Were we able to create a little sexual tension without going overboard into cybersex or phone sex? (Both things that tend to leave me cold unless engaged in with a very familiar play partner.) Did we have more in common than just sex?
During this early online/phone communication period if they gave no indication that the person was a natural leader, I didn’t pursue anything further. In essence I wouldn’t feel any attraction to them anyway, so it wasn’t a difficult decision.
Having passed the initial tests, I’d feel them out about kink. I need to be accepted for who I am, and anyone who can’t appreciate my submissive and sexual nature isn’t going to be a good fit. In the spirit of honestly I always made sure – before agreeing to ever meet – that I let the person who’d contacted me know about the kink issue.
So, that pretty much meant that every man I met through a vanilla site expressed an eagerness to explore it. Those who hadn’t had a little previous experience at least claimed to have always wanted to try it. Unfortunately, once they realized there was more to it than just having a kinky-freak-girlfriend they could boss around, they just couldn’t handle it.
Oddly enough, I’m not much of a masochist, nor heavily into humiliation, so it wasn’t like I was asking them to beat me until I bled, or treat me like dirt. Now I’m not knocking that, if it’s your kink, but it does tend to take some time to accept these aspects of kink for most inexperienced players.
Eventually it seemed these guys just wanted me to tell them what to do, as opposed to be comfortable taking the initiative and that just doesn’t fly with me. If you want to be my dominant then take your cojones in hand and take me in hand as well. I’m not a terribly difficult person in that sense. I love to follow and therefore tend to submit naturally if given the chance.
(And don’t do it just to make me happy. Yuck. I doubt there’s a submissive around who can handle that sense of being catered to.)
The few that didn’t seem to mind taking the lead seemed to think tying up their girlfriend and spanking her was mean. Now, given how I’m wired, not tying me up and spanking me can be defined as mean in the long term.
I was also quite surprised at how many of these guys turned out to be prudes when it came to wild/rough sex, and to attending the play parties, as well. You’d think most guys would be into having a girlfriend who liked to take them to events where other women walked around in the almost-nude or hot fetish wear and they were actually allowed to look and enjoy the sights.
Is it something they found intimidating? Did they feel they were being forced into public displays of something they felt should be private? Perhaps. I can understand that; I did try to allow them to make the choice when they were ready. I guess most of them choose to go too soon and ended up not being ready. Shame really, as I like to think most people would find themselves feeling liberated by such warm uninhibited events if they gave themselves time.
I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I tried everything I knew to help these guys enter the kink world. But, it seems to me, unless there is an inner drive, a latent need to experience BDSM, then entering into it just to please someone else is an act of futility. Just look at how many forum posts you read about people wanted to bring a partner into the scene and eventually finding it impossible to succeed, no matter how much good advice they get and follow.
Just look at how many married people there are seeking kink outside their relationships.
In reality I have to say that if you’re hungering for sea bass, don’t head out to the salmon fishing grounds. You just aren’t going to find a satisfying dinner that way. Sure, you might get a meal that’s tasty, but the craving is not going to be met, and trust me, cravings always seem to come back stronger every time they’re left unfulfilled.
If you’ve got the choice, if you’re willing to be patient, I say go for exactly what you want. Take no prisoners, make no compromises; you’re worth it.
I wish you good luck on your quest.
It’s just not like it used to be… In the good old days when things meant something… Back in the days of The Old Guard… In the best European Houses of BDSM…
I read the Fetlife, Collarme, and Alt forums for a reason. They help me stay in the local loop, give me opportunities to learn something new almost everyday, and they inspire me to write. But some days I just want to scream Quit your damn whining!
If you don’t like the way others play in the sandbox then get your own sandbox, or turn your back on them and play with someone else. It’s a skill you were supposed to master in kindergarten.
BDSM is about exploring your own unique, individual style of loving, of sexual expression, of thrill-seeking, of interacting with other adults. It’s not an exclusive club where you have to conform, or play by the management rules. Unless you’re at a public event and then you agree to the rules by being there and need to hold to that for the sake of preventing chaos and anarchy, or worse yet the indignity of getting bounced on your ass.
Whining is non-productive and un-sexy. Whining does not make for good dominant form, nor does it make an intricate slave-girl serve more seductive. Cut it out. Now.
If you want to see good things happen in your online or local BDSM community then go out and do good things. It just might make things a little nicer out there in Alternative Lifestyle Land. Meanwhile, cut the complaining about other people’s relationships, scenes, or rope/corset/paddle choices. Live and let live.
Thank you for listening to this little bit of rabid ranting, and please, continue on with what you were doing.
Nothing more to see here, folks.
I miss R.
Being on holiday visiting the family is always nice. I get along great with my family and enjoy my time with them. (Very lucky that way…) Staying at my parents always felt like being at a hotel. Good food, great bed, all the amenities of a 5 star place. Nice change from looking after myself 24/7.
But this time feels different. I’m miss being tucked in at night, miss being R.’s little girl.
We talk every evening before bed but it’s not the same as having him sit on the edge of the bed, tuck the sheets around me, and kiss me good-night. I truly feel like a little girl, all safe and sound.
A little girl just needs her daddy, I guess.
In the Fetlife forum today we had a discussion about whether we would still be interested in kink if it were in the mainstream, as an accepted norm of social/sexual behaviour. The poster wondered about the concept of some people jumping into a kink lifestyle mainly because of its social stigma.
In the 1980’s the media claimed that people eager to jump on the latest cool fad might be the cause of the sudden “rise” in people identifying as bisexual or gay.
It was also said that many people were identifying as gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgendered in order to gain attention or punish their families. It was also theorized that it was a sign of anti-social behaviour, or just a phase in most cases.
These claims were no more valid about sexual orientation then, as they are about BDSM now, which, for some of us, is also a sexual orientation, as well as a personality trait.
Sure, it’s easier to get involved now then it has ever been and that likely means more people who are curious will be likely to experiment. But to say people are seeking gay or kinky relationships because they want to be cool, radical, or antisocial is a narrow, perhaps reactionary, view.
More people appear to be gay and/or kinky now simply because more people are finding it easier to come out of their closets and admit who and what they are. For many people – and in many countries – the consequences are no longer so formidable. More and more people are finding that it’s easier to accept and seek fulfillment of their true needs than it is to live with the discomfort of denial.
As for whether it would change my kinky nature…Nope, not a chance. As many said before me on the forum, I am who I am; that’s not going to change. I believe I was born with this genetic predisposition and I’m happy with the cards I was dealt.
Do I wish the lifestyle were more accepted? Absolutely! I hate hiding who I am, it’s exhausting and annoying to have to have your guard up about such a large part of your life.
Do I wish more people would jump on the kink bandwagon? Absolutely! More kinksters means more choice of play partners and relationship potential.
All in all, I’m content with how the lifestyle is gaining acceptance, and I’m content with the ease in which information about munches and parties can be found. The internet and the concurrent rise of public events have made my life socially active, and emotionally satisfying. I’m happier now than I have ever been.
As for being kinky in general, this is the genetic hand I was dealt, and I see no reason to complain. Your mileage may vary.
So, you want to be a dominant? Okay, one simple but very important piece of advice from a sub’s POV:
DO NOT BITE OFF MORE THAN YOU CAN CHEW!
Go slowly and introduce new rules a little at a time, on a trial basis.
Long lists of rules will become hard to manage as a dominant, and hard to adjust to as a sub. Do not forget that grown adults are not given to blind obedience, so tread slowly and thoughtfully.
If you take on too much, you’ll end up struggling to enforce rules or forgetting the rules, or failing to notice when one has been broken. This can cause resentment on the part of the sub and stress on the part of the dominant.
If you fail to notice – and attend to – transgressions you will not earn your sub’s trust or respect for you in this role. Remember, this is not just about sub obedience; it’s about you setting up situations where your sub can succeed. You should both feel good about the rules being followed.
Be sure to discuss rules as you implement them, and explain why you think it’s important to put it into place. If you can’t easily clarify it, then re-think it. WHY establish the rule if it has no purpose?
This doesn’t mean the rule has to always be easy for the sub to follow. On the contrary, subs should be challenged to push themselves a bit; it brings a sense of accomplishment. It’ very rewarding for someone with a submissive personality to sacrifice things for their dominant. But pace yourselves, make the sacrifices count. Celebrate them.
Every body and every relationship is unique. You don’t know how rules are going to work on a practical level, until you’ve put them in place for a bit, so you need the freedom and flexibility to revoke/rearrange rules as you try them out. Your sub’s input is invaluable in this regard. This is a partnership, no matter what titles you use.
More is not better when it comes to rules and routines. More is usually just cumbersome to juggle. Build the path to a D/s relationship one brick at a time and both parties should feel a sense of satisfaction.
And, in the words of Max Ehrmann’s Desiderata:
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You will make mistakes, you’ll have to say I’m sorry…But so will your sub. You’re both human after all, and this path takes courage on both sides. If you can’t accept these two things right now, then don’t begin this journey. You’ll only end up with regrets and resentments.
A good D/s relationship is dynamic and beautiful and strong, but it’s work, just like any relationship. Grab your dominant ovaries – or cajones – and rise to the challenge.
It’ll be worth it, in the end.
