A Little Cinful

There was talk on fetlife today, about the wisdom of searching the vanilla sites for a kinky partner. A big pond = more fish approach.

I agree that searching in bigger waters is not in itself a bad idea, in theory. As for my own personal experience, after a long period of trial and error I gave up on meeting partners this way. There were just too many disappointments in it for me.

The first step for me was about getting to know them in vanilla terms. Could they chat about a lot of subjects intelligently? Did conversation flow easily? Did they make me laugh; did I make them laugh? Could they talk about their personal life comfortably, with good healthy boundaries, and share about their past experiences without bitterness?

Were we able to create a little sexual tension without going overboard into cybersex or phone sex? (Both things that tend to leave me cold unless engaged in with a very familiar play partner.) Did we have more in common than just sex?

During this early online/phone communication period if they gave no indication that the person was a natural leader, I didn’t pursue anything further. In essence I wouldn’t feel any attraction to them anyway, so it wasn’t a difficult decision.

Having passed the initial tests, I’d feel them out about kink. I need to be accepted for who I am, and anyone who can’t appreciate my submissive and sexual nature isn’t going to be a good fit. In the spirit of honestly I always made sure – before agreeing to ever meet – that I let the person who’d contacted me know about the kink issue.

So, that pretty much meant that every man I met through a vanilla site expressed an eagerness to explore it. Those who hadn’t had a little previous experience at least claimed to have always wanted to try it. Unfortunately, once they realized there was more to it than just having a kinky-freak-girlfriend they could boss around, they just couldn’t handle it.

Oddly enough, I’m not much of a masochist, nor heavily into humiliation, so it wasn’t like I was asking them to beat me until I bled, or treat me like dirt. Now I’m not knocking that, if it’s your kink, but it does tend to take some time to accept these aspects of kink for most inexperienced players.

Eventually it seemed these guys just wanted me to tell them what to do, as opposed to be comfortable taking the initiative and that just doesn’t fly with me. If you want to be my dominant then take your cojones in hand and take me in hand as well. I’m not a terribly difficult person in that sense. I love to follow and therefore tend to submit naturally if given the chance.

(And don’t do it just to make me happy. Yuck. I doubt there’s a submissive around who can handle that sense of being catered to.)

The few that didn’t seem to mind taking the lead seemed to think tying up their girlfriend and spanking her was mean. Now, given how I’m wired, not tying me up and spanking me can be defined as mean in the long term.

I was also quite surprised at how many of these guys turned out to be prudes when it came to wild/rough sex, and to attending the play parties, as well. You’d think most guys would be into having a girlfriend who liked to take them to events where other women walked around in the almost-nude or hot fetish wear and they were actually allowed to look and enjoy the sights.

Is it something they found intimidating? Did they feel they were being forced into public displays of something they felt should be private? Perhaps. I can understand that; I did try to allow them to make the choice when they were ready. I guess most of them choose to go too soon and ended up not being ready. Shame really, as I like to think most people would find themselves feeling liberated by such warm uninhibited events if they gave themselves time.

I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I tried everything I knew to help these guys enter the kink world. But, it seems to me, unless there is an inner drive, a latent need to experience BDSM, then entering into it just to please someone else is an act of futility. Just look at how many forum posts you read about people wanted to bring a partner into the scene and eventually finding it impossible to succeed, no matter how much good advice they get and follow.

Just look at how many married people there are seeking kink outside their relationships.

In reality I have to say that if you’re hungering for sea bass, don’t head out to the salmon fishing grounds. You just aren’t going to find a satisfying dinner that way. Sure, you might get a meal that’s tasty, but the craving is not going to be met, and trust me, cravings always seem to come back stronger every time they’re left unfulfilled.

If you’ve got the choice, if you’re willing to be patient, I say go for exactly what you want. Take no prisoners, make no compromises; you’re worth it.

I wish you good luck on your quest.