Recently in the FetLife forum we were discussing the ethical issues of wearing collars in public and other such public displays of BDSM. Is such behaviour forcing our lifestyle on people non-consensually? Someone asked: Do we have the right to inflict on people things they don’t want to see?
I was at a movie just last Thursday night and right before the main movie I was bombarded by three long, loud trailers for some up and coming slasher flicks. No one asked me if I would be traumatized by all the bloody, screaming violence even though I came to see a comedy, but guess what, I hate those trailers and find all that violence obscene. I do object to those films and hate to be exposed to them, but I came out in public as an aware adult and, because I believe in freedom of expression and disagree with censorship, I guess I have no choice but to either refuse to patronize the theatre until they change their policy or to grin and bear it.
In Canada wearing a leash and collar or playfully, consensually, smacking your friend’s ass in public aren’t illegal, neither is going topless in public, or wearing rubber or latex. I have every right to do those things. Do I exercise those rights? Not really, because I’m a more private person than that. Would I go to jail for my right to do so? Yes, because I choose to live in a free country and want it to remain so.
Historically rights are gained by human beings being willing to demand those rights. Doing so can be a painful and costly process, but it’s a risk we take for freedom, and one we can’t take for granted. Sometimes it does take shock value to wake people up, sadly; look at how many gay people had to die from unwarranted brutal attacks before the police began to get more vigilant on homophobia-motivated violence.
And that battle continues!
It angers me that these civil rights have to be battled for over and over again for every new minority that comes along. Women fought for their basic rights, gays fought for equality, and now we have to stand up for ourselves too. What’s at stake? The right to be who we are within the laws of the country we live in.
If that means being stared at for wearing a collar, or kneeling in pubic, I see nothing wrong with that.
As for children being exposed to power exchange relationships…It’s up to parents to explain to their children about the real world they see in front of them and not to try to create a false sanitized reality which will fail to prepare them for adulthood. As long as people are not breaking the law – which is meant to protect all its citizens rights – there should be no traumatic to children for parents to complain about.
And yes, before anyone wonders, I DO care about protecting children, I have 30+ years experience as a childcare worker and teacher. Obviously I understand children and care about them deeply. I know that educating them about reality is the best way to help them grow into healthy productive adults.
So, are we taking the consensual-non-consensual thing a bit too far. I think we could argue that in certain situations one must step over people’s comfort zone to push them to grow. Were people uncomfortable about women wanting the vote? Absolutely. But imagine if all those women had said Let’s not rock the boat and make people uncomfortable with our desire to vote. Were some women forced to suffer some pretty harrowing consequences for pushing for their rights? Yes, and that’s the cost of change sometimes. No one said being a hero was easy.
I’m not saying that everyone in the kink community should don full latex and leather, drag out the whips, and storm the small towns of the world; I’m saying that a lot of us are in a position to begin opening the doorway to our kink closets. Small but deliberate steps, steps that keep us within our country’s laws and don’t jeopardize us unnecessarily.
I’m also saying that we have a certain responsibility to do so. However, each individual must weigh up their own personal costs and benefits, and answer to their own moral and ethical voice when deciding what actions they should take; no one else can make that decision for you.
I think I’ve ranted enough, I could write a novel because this subject is so much more complex than most people realize, but I’ve said my peace. For now.
Nadia said,
November 9, 2008 @ 6:11 am
I like this post. Your point about how we see things unconsensually all the time is a good one. It’s not like kinksters want to go around having sex and scenes in public, but to wear a collar, to call someone “Sir” – these are things that can’t truly be harmful for children to hear.
cinful said,
November 9, 2008 @ 4:38 pm
That is really the only point I’m trying to make.
Far too often people confuse scening and sex with D/s and while I don’t advocate scening and sex in public I think we can err on the side of too much caution when it comes to living as dominant and submissive persons.
I just refuse to live in the closet; I saw too much of that with my gay friends.
Thanks for the comment!
Puppy Princess said,
November 23, 2008 @ 11:48 pm
Maybe I’m a little naive, but I wear my collar all the time everywhere I go. The only exceptions I make are the shower and work. (Gotta keep a professional image at the office.) My collar is very pretty, pink Italian leather with shiny brass hearts, Swarovski crystals, and a little brass cat bell dangling. I get comments occasionally, but I just tend to think nothing of it. I simply think of my collar as extension of myself, kind of like my eyeglasses.
I mean, it’s not like I wear a spiked collar, but so what if I did? I’m very pretty and exotic looking even without the collar. I tend to draw attention, I’m used to that. My 13 year old grandson thinks my collar is cool; he doesn’t think it’s odd in the lease. He’s just used to it. He may have asked me why I wear it once; I told him that I like it, that I think it’s pretty and he was content with that answer. Could some people, perhaps, be over thinking this one?
XO,
Puppy
Too Much Of A Good Thing? « A Little Cinful said,
November 24, 2008 @ 8:06 pm
[...] 24, 2008 · Filed under Uncategorized In a comment on my Consenting Public post Puppy Princess wrote: My 13 year old grandson thinks my collar is cool; he doesn’t think [...]
allforher said,
November 26, 2008 @ 11:51 am
When I was young, maybe 8 or 9 years old, my family was walking through the mall and shopping. Sitting on a bench in the middle of a walkway was a man and woman. They were both dressed in leather and the man was on a leash. Being young and naive I stared. As I walked past he barked and snapped as if to bite. My parents (if they even noticed, which how could they not) never said anything to me, although my father must not have seen the movement towards me or he would have beaten the living crap out of the guy (my dad was a brawler).
Anyway, I never really gave much thought to it. It did not contribute to any of my submissive tendencies. It’s merely a curious memory. I don’t consider myself scarred by it at all. As a matter of fact I’m probably more scarred from seeing my dad punch people in the face so many times as a kid.
What’s funny is that if that were to happen today and the person on the leash barked at one of my children I would definitely reprimand the owner for such a poorly behaved animal.